This subject of friendship is something I’ve been pondering lately. I was browsing the internet and found myself intently reading an article called, “8 tips for maintaining friendships.” Summarized, the basic 8 tips are:
1. Use Facebook and social media (at the extreme it can be a bad thing, but it’s an efficient way to maintain connections).
2. Show up – nothing can replace seeing someone in person – go to a party, wedding, babyshower, make a date for coffee, etc.
3. Join or start a group – good for making and maintaining new friendships and building a social network.
4. Think about what’s fun for you. Take charge of shaping your social environment. Think about what level and type of social activity brings you happiness, then make the effort to make it happen.
5. Be wary of false choices. Sometimes people say, “I want to have a few close, real friends, not a bunch of superficial friends.” But that’s a false choice. There are all kinds of friends – intimate friends, casual friends, professional friends, childhood friends who you see once every ten years, and even online friends you’ve never met. These friendships aren’t all of equal importance, but they all add warmth and color to your life.
6. Make the effort to say, “This made me think of you.”
7. Cut people slack. This means basically trying not to take things personally if a friend is late, thoughtless, etc. Their unkind actions are probably not a reflection of their character but more influenced by their situations. As a caution she adds, “Perhaps surprisingly, lonely people tend to be more defensive and judgmental than non-lonely people.”
8. Don’t expect friendship to happen spontaneously. Sometimes friendships do take work and just because it’s not flowing naturally doesn’t mean it’s not authentic.
Ok. Wait a minute. Do these tips seem obvious to you? Holy Cow!
What kind of all-time low have I hit that I’m reading an article about how to have friends?
Is there something wrong with me? I mean I feel like I’m all around a pretty normal person – I’m not that hard to get along with. And sometimes, if you catch me on the right day, I can even be fun! So why is it so hard to make a connection?
But actually I feel like I’m hearing this a lot these days. It seems like other women are feeling the same way – wanting and needing connections with other like-minded women but having trouble finding and maintaining satisfying friendships.
One friend said in an email, “Not having a true friend to talk to has made me a bit lonely… i don’t know, i just really love a good connection, and would rather be alone than settle for less – does that make sense?“
Yes, it does make sense, I totally understand and relate. Actually, thinking about going out and building friendships sounds completely exhausting to me right now. It makes me want to crawl in bed and pull the covers up.
I’ve become much more introverted over the years and my days are so full and tiring that I feel like I don’t have the extra energy to put into relationships. But the truth is, when I don’t make the effort loneliness starts to creep in. And I know that’s not a good or healthy thing.
I’ll close with this last quote from the article to encourage us. The author says,
“Ancient philosophers and scientists agree: strong social ties are a KEY to happiness. You need close, long-term relationships; you need to be able to confide in others; you need to belong; you need to get and give support. Studies show that if you have five or more friends with whom to discuss an important matter you’re far more likely to describe yourself as “very happy.” Not only does having strong relationships make it far more likely that you take joy in life, but studies show that it also lengthens life (incredibly, even more than stopping smoking), boosts immunity, and cuts the risk of depression.”
And in the comments section someone said, “I think that friendships are like everything else in life – if you put the energy into them, you will be rewarded with more of what you are ‘spending’.”
So here’s to more and better friendships in the coming year! (Just actually saying that makes me feel tired, but I do mean it, I know I do!)
I love this! I love you Leslie and I miss you so much. I am so thankful that God put you in my life you are very special to me. Even though we cant see eachother that often and we only talk through stuff like this I still feel connected to you and when I do see you im gonna tackle you with hugs and kisses!!!!!! You are like a sister to me I love everything about you and I really am so blesses to be your friend!!!!
What a great post, very encouraging and true and hit home with me quite well. I’ve always struggled maintaining “friendships” because I just get overwhelmed, forgetful, anxiety creeps in and I close in on myself, so people tend to pass me by eventually because I can’t keep up, but I’ve never truly found the value in TRUE friendship until becoming a mother. Not sure if I can explain why in words. The type of friends, the needs etc all change, which is why it’s also hard to maintain friends because moms are all both so busy and exhausted we barely have time or energy left. It would be so great too if we could make more friends closer proximity to where we live, that is what I think is a huge hurdle for moms. If we could just walk next door for tea or to send the kids over to play etc, or chat while on the porch, even just for a few moments, a few times each day, it would make all the difference in the world. You know that “it takes a village…” It’s so true. It’s hard to make time for a phone call especially uninterrupted or schedule night out or play days…But I have to say the one thing that has changed my world has to be the internet/email/social networking. I have met women (and even guy friends) whom have so much in common with me and understand me that I don’t know I ever could have otherwise. I formed a little group on facebook with a few fellow health conscious women I had met in various other groups that I had come to really enjoy reading their comments so I brought them together. And you know, we have all made some amazing friendships and connections. The thing is, with these wonderful ladies we all “get” each other, we all talk almost daily and not on just a superficial level, we know all about each other’s families and history that each has shared, many of us have spoken on the phone to each other and many of us have met in-person. We can respond to a post or email when it’s convenient all through the day, sometimes we are on at the same times and other times not, so sometimes it’s a live chat. I think we share so much more of ourselves that we wouldn’t ever get the chance to in person because there’s just never enough time to say all that we need/want to say, it’s a real gift to have. People tend to refer to online friends as if they aren’t “real”, like oh just some girl from the internet like it’s another planet, or oh my “real life friends” etc…These are REAL women, they are my REAL Friends. I can count on them to pray for me, call me, do anything for each other, we take a lot of time and energy to research and devote energy to help each other through our health concerns and journey or anything else that comes up, celebrate and rejoice together. We’ve sent each other flowers in a time of mourning, Holiday gifts, we’ve had births, even lost a member to cancer
, divorce, health hurdles and recoveries I’ve had the awesome pleasure of meeting some amazing women from my online connections, I only wish I could meet them all and I think one day we all will meet up, there are so many people I’ve met online that I wish I could just reach out and hug even just once! They are real and I’m so blessed to have them in my life. I do long for more daily physical connections with friends, but I just wanted to share how blessed I’ve been by my internet made friends and that I know I can count on them just as much if not more than anyone I’ve known in person. 
Hope that wasn’t too much, another issue I have….talking too much LOL!
It’s so funny that you would write this right now, because it’s exactly where my thoughts are at tonight. Just how real the internet world is becoming and how connected we can really be. I’m just sort of tapping into this now, but I have to say that some of the ladies I’ve met here on this blog and on other sites have truly enriched my life in ways that are just incredible. I am very thankful for it. And for a mom who is at home a lot, those little notes of encourgement, “likes,” etc. through facebook just give my spirit that extra boost. The little things really do mean a lot. I am so happy to hear about the community you’ve been able to find. It sounds so special. I am so happy for you. Thank you for sharing. much love, leslie xo
I’ve never met you. you’ve never even heard of me. but i have been following along with your adventures online for some time now, and I pray for you, your family, and your ministry every day. when I write it all out that way, it sounds more like a stalker relationship, but to me it is a one-sided friendship. I am inspired by your work and dedication and it energizes me to keep plugging away at my own ministry right here where I am. thank you for all of those things. I’ll be praying that your friendships are strengthened and rejuvenated by your mindfulness. know that you are touching lives and reaching out to help others combat that sneaky loneliness even if you never get to see the results!
Wendy, thank you so much for this special note. I am so touched to finally “meet” you here
Please know that you just made my day with this comment. Many blessings – and know that I am thankful for your friendship ~
You know, I have found something very interesting about friendship with other women (mostly mothers). I think I feel too exhausted to put in the effort of maintaining them and making plans, but once I actually do meet up with them with the kids or go out to dinner with them, or have someone over after the boys are in bed, or any other sort of meeting-up, I actually feel energized for a couple of days afterward! It is as though these women are helping me recharge my batteries and be a better mama too! Thanks for posting this… now I think there is someone I must go call…
That is so true, Lauren! It is worth it, it always is. Though, as I’m writing that I’m thinking, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes i end up in situations that end up being tense and draining. It just depends. But most of the time, yes, it’s worth that extra effort