“You have to have a weekly date night.”
“You don’t want to lose your marriage in the process of raising your kids.”
“If you don’t have a weekly date night you will wake up one day, your kids grown and gone and realize you have nothing in common anymore.”
“You have to get away without your kids – for the sake of your marriage.”
Have you ever had someone caution these things to you? Do you think that these are things we should really be concerned about? Maybe so. I’m not sure. But something just doesn’t seem right to me.
I recently read an article entitled, “4 ways to find more time for marriage with kids in the way.” In it the author talked about kids being a hurdle and an obstacle for marriage and ways around that.
Really?
Is that what things have come to? I’m sorry, but my first thought is – then why do people have kids, if all they are is an obstacle in the way of a good marriage?
Sorry, that sounded a little harsh.
The problem I have with this kind of thinking is that somehow we have come to think that the only way to have quality time together is if we are away from our kids. Well, what about all those hours spent together raising kids? Does that count for anything? Does that bring any kind of connection or closeness to a couple? I think it does.
And you know what I think helps a marriage even more than a date night? Having connected kids. This in itself takes a huge amount of stress off the marriage. If you are both invested, connecting with your children this brings more peace and harmony into your home than any date night or romantic getaway ever could. When you make the effort to connect deeply with your children and each other, it builds a closeness and creates an enjoyable family life. It’s definitely easier to be romantic and intimate when your daily home life is less stressful.
Scott and I enjoying a date night
That’s just the way I see it. Instead of trying to plan and focus on the times when we can “get away” or “go out,” let’s focus on the time we have right here and now. Connect. Really and truly. Live in the moment. Enjoy your children together. Build that closeness. If we’re always waiting for the next get away or date night to have quality time, we run the risk of missing out on all the quality moments and memories we can be creating right now.
O.k., I know this a very provocative post, so let me qualify these statements. First of all, do I think date night is a bad idea? No. Absolutely not. Please hear me on this point: I think date nights are a wonderful thing, and I love it when I have the opportunity to go out with my husband – it’s really fun and special! But is it absolutely essential? No. Will my marriage fall apart without it? No. I don’t think so.
And what will we have in common when our kids are grown and gone? Well, I think if we have spent 20+ solid years raising four amazing boys together, that sure is a lot in common.
Do you need to see a real life example? Well, Here’s a couple who never had a date night.
Ok, so tell me what you think – agree, disagree? How do you keep your marriage healthy and strong in the midst of raising kids?
Hi Leslie,
How is it that through Pinterest I just found this website? I love it & am pouring over things you’ve written and am considering and thinking about each of them. Thank you!
As for the above post about “date night” I agree…having a connected family makes all the difference. We just took out first “family” vacation (to Egypt!) and nothing has made John or I feel more complete, in love and excited about our marriage & the life God has given us. So much this last year (with no one we trust to babysit for more than a couple hours) we’ve felt like we were missing out on the famous |DATE*NIGHT|. Jealous of couples who post pictures of get-aways, talk about fancy restaurants or concerts they’re enjoying “just the two of them” – I’ve let this poor me attitude creep in.
It wasn’t until the four of us had a get-away together that we discovered, wow, we love to be together AS A FAMILY! One thing we learned on this trip was to let the kids know it was a family vacation & sometimes we do things they want to do & sometimes we do things mommy & daddy want to do. At 2 & 3 they actually totally understood this! After they went to sleep we sat on the patio and enjoyed the evening, talked about our day, talked about our future & overall felt such a blessed feeling that God chose those two kids for us…I wouldn’t trade this life for nothing in the whole world!
Maybe the next phase of life will include a trusted babysitter and we’ll include date nights more regularly but for now…we’re learning what it’s like to connect us 4 and it’s so much fun!
Love you Leslie!!
I want to move to Costa Rica & live by you
Laurie
PS…does anyone else find that getting a regular babysitter costs a lot of money?
Laurie!! Hey friend, I’m glad you found my website! I totally echo your feelings here. It was getting to that place that led me to write this post.The thing I struggled with too was some of the counseling that is so common stressed the extreme importance of date night. aLike I would feel this pressure to leave my kids and havel a “date night” even if I didn’t want to or feel comfortable. But I had to come to a place of just following my heart, and what I feel. My brother’s living with us right now, so we had a date last night and it was wonderful! Life is full of seasons. LOVE YOU!! xoxoxo
For those whose marriages aren’t in great shape and are parenting young children getting away can be an important part of finding the space from the preoccupation of parenting and running a household so that we can breathe and attempt reconnection. Going to a movie does nt do it, but neither does a moment together after the kids go to sleep. Maybe making conversation over dinner with no kids to feed or dancing together in a dance club can start to help. Sure you can eat or dance at home, but sometimes setting aside the time and space, and knowing you won’t be interrupted by a crying baby, really are important.
So I agree with you–if that’s enough for you. For my marriage it’s not.
I think it can be hard for some couples to connect with each other when there are distractions at home, whether it be work or the children. If couples can make time together special, in snatched moments, that’s great. I also know it can be hard to make arrangements, find sitters etc, but some people may use this as an excuse to avoid spending time with their spouse. For us, a balance of time away from the children, maybe once or twice a year for special occasions (the children are lucky to have great parents-in-law), and ‘snatched moment’s’. God bless, all parents in couples who are trying to get it right!
It is interesting to me that this site elicits comments from people who are overwhelmingly (in modern terms) of the female persuasion. Would you mind if a man enters the conversation?
I remember early on in our marriage, we were encouraged by various church leaders to “get away from the kids”. We ignored them. They were never considered a barrier to our relationship and we put adult pursuits on the back burner for several years while we were adequately entertained by our two children. We did share a nice meal alone together at a restaurant to celebrate our anniversary (we ignored Valentine’s Day because it was too close) or the occasional birthday.
Our two children are now adults and friends. They both have children of their own which is a special blessing of its own. We did okay.
My husband and I have had dates out, dates at home, “dates” that consisted on running off to grocery shop together. The connection is so important but you can find that anywhere if you put in the effort. For several years when our children were little we had no babysitters so we’d put the kids to sleep and I’d make a fancy meal, turn on pretty music and light candles. He traveled out of state all week long and we longed for that time alone just to talk. We noticed that we spent less money, had less noise to talk over, could really talk about private important things that we didn’t have to worry about a stranger overhearing. The same things with movies at home, we could cuddle, pause the movie and even talk if we wanted to without disturbing another person.
Now that our kids are much older we are able to leave much more easily we actually go out without them less often. They’re just so much fun to be with that we like to take them with us when we get away from the house. I really have no worry that the lack of vacations away or movies without them will pull us apart. However I would say that nights out without each other and not taking equal or greater time alone with each other is a bigger danger from what I have seen. I’m grateful that we are each others’ favorite person
I am loving your blog! My husband and I have 3 boys under the age of 5, and frankly, we love family time so much, we rarely have date nights. I couldn’t agree more with this post- and the thought of leaving our kids for longer than a couple of hours to go off on a couples vacation sounds stressful to me. Maybe it’s because my kids are still so little, but I have a feeling I will always feel this way. I want to do things with ALL of us. I want to experience places and people all together. My husband and I have plenty of alone time in the evenings after the kids go to bed, or on long walks when they are in the stroller or carrier and we can talk as adults while they read or rest. I feel closer to my husband now than I ever did when it was just the two of us.
So sweet. Thank you for sharing your experience on this topic. I couldn’t agree more and really feel the same way. xoxo
I couldn’t agree with you more. The whole point of getting married is to have kids, to have a family. So why do we want to get away from them? We’ll have plenty of time away from them when they’re grown up. We always hear that if you are having problems in your marriage, you should start having date nights. I believe that if date night fixes your marriage, your problems were really, really minor. Date nights won’t fix anything if there is an abusive partner, or there is a lot of infidelity going on, or addiction problems….
agreed. Date nights are such fun, but not essential and not a “fix” for deeper issues.
I don’t know–that may be true. My husband and I never had date nights. But then we’ve only been married for 52 years. Someday we may look back and see where we should have had date nights. Seriously–our kids came first with both of us, insofar as their health and security was concerned, and they’ve turned out just great. We had some really wonderful times as a family together. And my husband and I still like each other as well.
A friend shared this on facebook and I wanted to say that I love it! I have three boys and honestly, my husband and I have much more fun when we do things with our boys rather than alone. They are part of us, and we are part of them. We have tried to do “date nights” but we just miss the kiddos! Will our marriage be in trouble when they are gone? Who knows. My oldest is now in college and so far, so good. Maybe we’ll just go on “dates” with the grandkids instead.
Love it! Totally agree
Date nights ARE important, as long as you don’t miss the point of it. Focusing on each other. It doesn’t have to be out of the house. Kids go to bed, and you can have a “date” right there in the house!
Placing a priority on your emotional and sexual connection. Read Song of Solomon and see just how “hot” your sex life should be! The better that is, the more emotionally connected you will be, and vis versa!
My job is to help couples get closer in both ways, making a very strong marriage! Most fulfilling job ever!
Wow, sounds like a great job – would love to get some tips from you!
i think it makes a big difference if you have one versus let’s say eight children. if you only have one, chances are you also have other priorities right after your child (job, personal interests, etc). if so, it probably means that being a parent 100% of the time -meaning not going out anywhere to non-children places and talking about kids even when away from them – is not suitable. i only have one child and i love my daughter. i also love my husband and i feel that i need to nurture a relationship with my spouse to make it an everlasting one. i know too many broken marriages too where the romantic love is lost and all is left is either roommate/friend/family love between them, which is often not enough to remain together forever.
We’ve spent the last 13 years of our marriage parenting. We had stretches where a beloved neighbor girl was available to babysit and the kids were happy to be with her and we got dates several times a month. It was lovely. And yet we didn’t *need* it to keep our relationship healthy. The last four years we’ve lived three states away from my folks, who are about the only extended family my kids would feel comfortable staying with, so our dates happen once every 3-6 months, when my folks come to visit.
There is so much more to maintaining connection with your spouse than dressing up and leaving the house without the children and spending money somewhere. Dates can be that hour in the morning before the kids get up when you sneak off to the guest bedroom, or 20 minutes lying on the futon on the porch chatting and daydreaming aloud to each other while the kids play on their computers in the other room. For a long while, our dates were first-thing-in-the-morning walks with the dog around and around the block (keeping an eye on the house because the sleeping kids were younger) followed by coffee and the newspaper on the bench in the front yard.
Formal, out-of-the-house dates are almost irrelevant in my book to keeping a relationship connected and healthy. It’s the day-to-day effort you put into seeing your spouse with fresh, appreciative eyes each day, connecting with a touch or a glance or a laugh, sitting down and listening to them when they think they have a problem with you or with the world.
I totally agree. But I have to say I feel like we have date nights all the time. We just don’t go out. When the kids are in bed my husband LOVES as in LIVES FOR LOVES to play video games. Great stress releaser. I’m all for it. Me, I’m on my computer, or my “electric magazine” as John likes to call it. While he’s “killing”people and I’m writing to them, we often make plans.
Me: What do u think?
John: 9:45?
Me; sounds good
Then at 9:45 we either watch Project Runway together or The Daily Show. We hold hands and we enjoy. We’re in our bed. We’re comfortable. WE’re relaxed. And we’re entertained.
Of course i agree with all of the stuff u wrote about being more connected as a family. Yes. Yes. Yes. But we do LOVE OURSELVES some date time, even if we haven’t left the house and it’s only a 20 minute long, tivo’d version of the Daily Show. I do think without those moments, our relationship wouldn’t be as strong.
I think you are right on, Leslie. Date night will not make or break a relationship. We have 3 teenage girls, and they are still very connected. I never wanted to leave them with someone else when they were young, and we just did lots of family things together. We just celebrated our 24th anniversary.
Really, divorce is such a complicated issue between two complicated individuals. It’s just wrong to blame it all on the kids, instead of admitting that there may be a million other reasons you don’t want to be together anymore. “Because we didn’t have a weekly date night?” I don’t think so. You’ll have to dig deeper and come up with something better than that one.
You forgot this quote, “Don’t talk about the kids when you’re on your date.”
My husband and I felt guilty for not ever having a babysitter in the early years to have a date night. It was told from the pulpit at once per month. But we just couldnt get away. We finally figures out that, it was okay us. When we finally did get a date night, all we could talk about were the children. They are our life and what consumes us. In years to come, we’ll talk about the memories, our married children and our grandchildren. BTW: we have 8 children.
My husband and I have a “date night” almost every night after our daughter goes to sleep and we love being right downstairs in case she wakes up and needs to be comforted!
It’s so true. A regular date night can be fun but is not a requirement for a good marriage. The kids are not in the way of the marriage. Really nice post.
I totally agree with your Leslie, mostly because of our own experience. We don’t have the option for a date night or weekend away because we don’t have anyone to leave our kids with. So we’ve quickly figured out that you are able to connect with your spouse, deeply, while parenting together. Some of our best times as a couple are when we are deep in the trenches of parenting! And there is nothing hotter to me than my husband lovin’ on his kids! Leaving our kids isn’t really an option for us because of the lack of childcare but also because we really like being with our kids! Sure its nice every so often to have some time away, but I just think why would we have all these kids if we’re always trying to get away from them??!!!
I agree with a lot of what you’re saying. I think the point of a date night…which a lot of people miss…is just making sure you’re connecting with your spouse. The concept of a “date night” has gone from it’s true meaning, making sure you’re spending time nurturing your relationship, to a superficial meaning, as in it’s important to “get away”. That being said, while we don’t have a scheduled date night, we are fortunate to have another family that we enjoy swapping babysitting with for an evening out every now and then. We do that though, because we enjoy things like going out to movies or concerts, etc, that we just can’t do with our children. But does our marriage depend on it? No way. Believe me, we can snuggle on the couch and wisper things to each other just as easily when our kids around as we can in the back of a movie theater.
Life is a race we run, and I think a healthy marriage, is chosing to run that race with a partner, as a team, helping, encouraging, and sharing experiences along the way. Date nights are great, but you don’t need to finish the race together, just a commitment to stay with your teammate!
The first sentence of this comment, that is what I was going to say. Yes. Just symbolically making your marriage relationship a priority. That is what it is about.