I tend to be over powered by my uncomfortable feelings – anxiety, panic, depression. When I encounter an upsetting situation, particularly a form of conflict, I have trouble putting my mind at ease. I have trouble telling myself that I’m an ok person. That these emotions are ok. I have trouble comforting myself.
I want my husband or others to tell me I’m ok. I grasp for some validation – sometimes in awkward ways. I try to get others to tell me I’m likeable, I’m acceptable.
Sometimes I even do things to ensure people accept me. By anticipating what I think others want me to say or do, I stay in the “safe zone” so that I’ll be ok inside. That way I don’t have to face an anxiety-provoking situation. Because if I do I’m left adrift, swimming in these uncomfortable emotions that I have no idea what to do with.
You see, I never learned to self soothe. Whenever I was faced with distressing emotions as a child ~ anger or frustration ~ and acted out of that, I was promptly spanked so as to end the undesirable “behavior.” And so my brain did not develop the wiring that takes place as children are repeatedly soothed, comforted, listened to and walked through those uncomfortable feelings.
Dr. Laura Markham explains the process:
“When we get upset and are soothed as little ones, our neural wiring is built and repeatedly reinforced so that we become able to soothe ourselves. This is not just a psychological learning, but a physical one. The brain and nervous system take shape depending on our interaction with the environment. We learn to regulate ourselves emotionally in the context of our intimate relationships. So after our child cries in our arms and “shows us” her upset, we soothe her. That builds the neural wiring for her to soothe herself and restore herself to regulation.”
Soothing a child literally builds the wiring in the brain for the child to internalize that comfort and those responses and begin to soothe himself!
My husband didn’t learn to self-soothe either. While I plunge into depression he reacts with anger. It sure doesn’t do much for intimacy when you both are looking to the other to get the comfort that you need. We’ve discovered that first hand and now here we are, ten years into marriage, finally learning how to deal with our own emotions and soothe ourselves.
We’re finally “growing up.”
There are many myths and misunderstandings surrounding the idea of self-soothing. Some claim that it is learned in infancy through the process of “crying it out,” when in infant is left alone to cry himself to sleep. Brain research is showing the opposite is true. Like the idea of “crying it out” in infancy, others believe we learn to self-soothe when we are left alone to deal with our problems, or punished for them, like my friend who believes self control is learned through spanking.
Nothing could be further from the truth. The words of comfort we speak to our kids over and over again become an internal dialogue that literally becomes wired into the brain. Every time we comfort our children, we’re not only helping them right then, we’re helping build patterns that they will carry with them as they grow up – patterns that I myself am just now learning. What a gift we can give our children!
Remember the intense conversation about spanking I had with my friend? I saw her a few days later and went to give her a hug. She hugged me tightly back, as if holding on for dear life. Her eyes teared up. “I cried myself to sleep that night after our conversation. I just couldn’t bear the thought of losing you.” I knew that’s what happened before she even told me, that’s how well I know her. We’re a lot alike actually, which is part of why I treasure her friendship. We both deal with anxiety and depression, have often been shoulders to cry on for each other, ears to vent to, and always a safe place to share intimate struggles. All of that is what makes me love her. And that is why I knew she had cried herself to sleep. I knew because at any other point in my life I would have done the same thing. But this time, as my thoughts were spiralling out of control after that conflict, I realized that no one else what going to calm these anxieties except me. Yep, I’m learning to self-soothe. And I did it that night, maybe for the first time in my life.
Here’s a glimpse into my journal from the night after the conflict:
These were my fears:
“So I was just totally honest and spoke how I felt, and now I feel scared. I feel nervous that my friends will decide they don’t like me. That they will talk badly about me, that they will tell their husbands about the conversation and I will be portrayed as this extremely judgmental person. Rumors will go around about me and no one will like me anymore. I will have a strained relationship with the moms. More than that, though, I’m afraid they won’t like me anymore. That I’ll be rejected. That I will be misunderstood, or not accepted the way I am. I’m scared now that I’ve shown them a part of me that they don’t like. This is the anxiety I feel.”
Then I asked myself:
“Am I dependent on other’s validation to feel ok about myself? Tonight I shared who I am, I disclosed myself to my friends, and I was not validated. My opinion was not accepted, it was rejected. And now I don’t feel so great about myself. I feel a level of anxiety, of fear, of sadness, aloneness. Do I need that validation to feel ok about myself? Why? How do I soothe myself now? How do I take care of myself and get myself out of this slump. How do I stay who I am in relationship and still maintain the connection and closeness, without giving in to the pressure to conform. At points in the conversation I felt like I wanted to apologize, to apologize for thinking the way I think, feeling the way I feel, etc. I wanted to say forget it, I don’t mean it. But I didn’t let myself say that. Because it wasn’t true. And I’m trying to stay true to myself. If I said that I would just be trying to conform to make myself feel better, because I can’t handle being a separate individual in relationship. It feels uncomfortable because there is a chance I will be rejected.”
Then I expressed my fears of rejection to the Lord:
“But Lord, you don’t reject me, do you? What do you think about me? What do you think about that whole conversation? I know there were moments I blew it. I got too intense, I was even mean and unkind. That’s not o.k. I’m sorry. Do you still love me? Are you unhappy with me? Are you angry with me? Did I screw up? Please don’t reject me. Please don’t push me away.”
And then I spoke truth to myself:
“I know that He loves me. Just as I am. He sees me. He sees my heart, He knows me inside out and still loves me. Just as I am, mistakes and all. Passion, intensity and all. He knows me. You saw that whole conversation. I think you are happy with me. I know it wasn’t perfect, but Lord you know my heart. I’m sorry if I hurt your children. Please comfort them if they are feeling upset tonight. But if you want to highlight anything I said to change their minds, you could do that. It’s up to you.”
Then I made the connection to my marriage:
“I think that’s why I ask Scott all the time – Are you mad at me? What I’m really saying is Are you unhappy with me? Please don’t reject me. I think that’s what I’m trying to say – I’m disclosing myself to you and I really want your validation. I’m really afraid of your rejection. But I know I need to be strong in myself and stop asking him that and stand on my own two feet. So that I can share myself with him without expecting anything in return. Just because I want to show him who I am so he can love me. And if I do that our marriage will be so much stronger. Because we will be two whole people funcitoning separately, yet together. My feelings don’t have to be so dependent on what he thinks of me and my fear of his rejection.”
Phew! What an amazing process I went through that night. I woke up the next morning feeling absolutely incredible. David Schnarch, author of Passionate Marriage says,
“At some point you have to become a hero or heroine in your own eyes by doing something that requires you to self-validate.”
I kind of feel like I did that the night of the intense conversation. I leaped out and revealed more of my true self to my friends, even knowing that I wouldn’t be validated by them and I would be rejected. I knew that even before I spoke. But I thought, enough is enough. I have to be myself and risk rejection. So that’s what happened.
I walked away from that situation with a level of anxiety and fear of rejection that I had to master and validate myself through. And now I actually feel amazingly good about it! I think it was a huge step in my process of learning to self-soothe.
I know this is a pretty intense subject and a very revealing post. Do you have any thoughts about it? What do you think it means to self soothe?
I was so on-board with this…until it hit the god part. The very reason for my strict childhood was coming from a religious family. I do not find it helpful, but more importantly, I’m not sure how looking to an outside being can be classed as SELF-soothing, the point of the article? Just my thoughts, felt disappointed. Like it suddenly didn’t apply to me anymore. Anyway, I say this in the spirit of being true to ourselves, expressing hurt etc. On the flipside I also don’t want to create those negative feelings of disagreement in someone who will, like me, need to work them through. So feel quite conflicted about even writing this haha! Must be bedtime. Ever thought about self soothing for adults in it’s purest form, i.e. getting to sleep?
The reason for my strict childhood is also coming from a religious family, and it did very much taint my view of who I think God is – it wasnt helpful, I agree. For me, though, in my adult years I have found faith and this faith is a big part of my self soothing process. I totally respect that you didn’t relate to the God part. This is just my process, and I believe it will be a unique process for each individual. For me, including God in my self soothing process is very personal. I believe that God is part of me, lives in me, knows all my thoughts, so in that sense for me self soothing has to involve God and consciously communicating with the Spirit. It’s like breathing out. It’s like exhaling. There is a Christian principle that is very valuable for this process and it’s called Self Intimacy – coming to terms with the unique person that you are ~ flaws and all and finding comfort there. God is intrinsically apart of this process of finding self intimacy. I find self intimacy to be very much linked to self soothing as well. So anyways, that’s just my rambling answer to some of the things you brought up. But again, I so respect where you are coming from, and appreciate you had the courage to post this, even in light of conflicting feelings of not wanting to hurt my feelings. I think that you must be a very kind, sensitive person. And I also hope I haven’t hurt you in any way either! And totally agree about sleep – which is what I really need to be doing right now, too. Or else I am going to spend a big portion of my day tomorrow self soothing through lots of uncomfortable feelings due to tiredness!! haha! All the best, Leslie
I always say I am a card carrying member of the “Need to be Liked” club. I constantly seek ut approval from others, worry I may offend them, worry what they think of me and becoming a mother has only intensified this. Thank you for being so candid when it comes to sharing your emotions, it’s comforting to know I am not alone.
I would say I’m in that club, too! And trying my hardest to get out!
Wow. I love this. Thank you for sharing your process through this…
I am only recently learning to self-validate and self-sooth. It’s been one crazy journey.
Thanks again for sharing!
Crazy journey to say the least…! I agree!
Amazing post.
Thank you for sharing
I had no idea about the connection between being soothed as a child will lead to easy self soothing as an adult.
I was not soothed as a child and now I suffer with much if the anxiety you speak of.
amazing connection, isn’t it? and it’s actually showing up in brain research, that’s the amazing thing!
This was wonderful! Thank you. Have shared it on my weekly links post today
: http://freeyourparenting.com/2011/11/13/sharing-sunday-16/
I think a lot of us learned to repress things and never process them. Some are better at locking the feelings up tighter so they can function a bit better. So we may never realize what has happened to us.
It’s such a vicious cycle. My parents teach me to feel fear and shame when I experience an emotion, then when my child displays an emotion I fear it and shame him until he represses it too. And so we pass it along.
exactly! It’s a cycle and you described it perfectly. I think so many people really never to realize what is happening internally.
This article really spoke to me for a number of reasons. I understand the speak or not question and the issue of internal dialogue. Mostly, I love how you exemplify friendship that can overcome differences. Even very important differences.
It IS possible! I had my doubts at certain points in the conversation – but LOVE is a powerful thing.
(Missy, I hear you! Me too!)
This is such a wonderfully honest account of the internal dialogue that we use to tie ourselves in knots. Thanks so much for sharing it, and I totally empathise with that fear of rejection versus that need to say it how you feel it. Stay strong and trust yourself.
Thanks Aunt Annie!
This was so relevant to me Leslie. Thank you for sharing your whole experience. Your journal entry practically described the exact feelings I often have. I too feel that I did not learn to self-soothe. However, I was not spanked as a child. Instead I was constantly praised and told that I was “good”, “smart”, and “pretty” when I did the right things. Sounds pretty good! However, I never learned to decide for myself what was “good”, so I am constantly looking to others for validation. Interesting how different parenting styles can lead to similar results. I have a 17-month-old son now and I am desperately trying to find the “right” way to parent him. I often find myself saying the same things to him that my parents said to me because, I do mean it, but also because I assume he needs to hear it to feel good about himself. I am trying very hard to rein in my praise and allow him to make his own judgments. I want so badly for him to be a happy adult. Now I just need to figure out how to help myself become one
I liked the article; however, I think it may be putting too much blame on parenting mistakes. I had a colicky baby and was faced with an infant who I always went to to to soothe, cuddle, and comfort, but who could cry for hours. She became a toddler who could throw a tantrum for up to an hour, several times a day. She is still a very sensitive child. What we have found out about her is that anxiety is inheritable, and she has inherited this sensitivity to stimulation/emotions/environment. When she was 2 1/2 we took her to Occupational Therapy for Sensory Intergration Therapy with marked changes in her ability to wear clothing and bear stimulation in her environment. However, she continues to be a highly sensitive though extremely intelligent young woman at 15 years of age. Now, she intermittently sees a counselor for strategies to handle her high emotions and peaks of anxiety, and also takes a low dose of Prozac. Please reassure parents and their children that sometimes it is in the genes and just needs patience and support from the resources in your community.
Thank you for sharing this, Mary, I think you make a very important point. It is something I thought of when I posted this, that I should have clarified – parents’ influence is ONE factor of many that influence our lives – genetics, environment, temperament, life experience and more all come in to play in shaping who we become as adults. Though parenting does have a big influence, it’s not everything and parents can neither take all the credit or all the blame. Especially when we’re talking about issues of sensory integration disorder, or other special needs, this is an entirely different situation altogether. Sounds like your daughter is overcoming some major challenges and learning to self soothe – with the help of medication and counselors – sounds like a success story to me!
Such an interesting response, Missy! I never thought of it that way – but have read a few of Alfie Kohn’s articles that describe something similar. So important to consider! I think a huge part of helping our children become happy adults, is figuring out how to be happy adults ourselves! I’m on the same quest, too, and feel like I’m one step closer!