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Real Child Development

by Leslie Freeman 4 Comments

What We All Really Need

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Advice given too quickly.

Short answers shoved down your throat.

Comments that jab.

These are things that make a soul weary. Tired. Heavy.

As I’m sitting here feeling vulnerable, needy and uncomfortable and wondering what it is I need right now, it hits me. I need someone to listen to me.

Do you know how powerful it is to listen? Listening is the greatest gift that one human being can give to another.

It not only communicates love and value, but it brings healing as well.

What all people want, deep down, their greatest need is this. They all want to be heard. 

What do people most ask of God? “Hear me, Lord!” “Hear my prayer!” It’s the cry of our hearts.

“Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer.” Psalm 61:1

Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer.” Psalm 84:8

“ Hear me, LORD, and answer me, for I am poor and needy.” Psalm 86:1

“Hear my prayer, LORD; listen to my cry for mercy.” Psalm 86:6

“Hearmy prayer, LORD; let my cry for help come to you.”  Psalm 102:8

“Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.” Psalm 130:2

“Hear, LORD, my cry for mercy.” Psalm 140:6

Goodness, I could go on and on!

Do you hear the cries of the people? We just want to be heard! We want someone to listen. To know us. To understand. Really and truly deep down. To know all about us and love us just the same. To be known, truly truly known and understood. That’s what it means to listen and to hear.

Can we do this for each other? Mom to mom. We need it. Can we listen to our children? That’s all they really want, after all. Let’s learn this. Let’s get this deep down. Let’s change the world.

“… for the Lord has heard your misery.” Genesis 16:11

“You, LORD, hear the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry,” Psalm 10:16

“I am praying to you because I know you will answer, O God.
Bend down and listen as I pray.” Psalm 17:6

by Leslie Freeman 8 Comments

What Message Are you Really Sending Your Child?

What do you do when a child misbehaves?

Whether you are teaching a Sunday school class, parenting a toddler, or working with at-risk children, the principles are the same.

Do that which will bring more connection. 

Do you kick a child out or issue a punishment to “teach a lesson?” If so what lesson are you really teaching? What message is really getting through to that child?

We need to think long and hard about that. What kind of messages are we sending children? That our favor is contingent on their good behavior? That if they behave they will be included, but if not, we will push them away?

Is that how God is with us? I’m so glad He’s not like that with me. Oh, His love is amazing.

He accepts me just as I am – the good, the bad, the ugly. He loves me when I’m angry and irrational and throwing my own little tantrum. He stays right by my side, He doesn’t withdraw His love, He doesn’t put me in a corner, He doesn’t kick me out of His presence. 

For the children in my life, they are learning about what love is and who God is and how life works through me and my interactions with them. That is mind-blowing when you think about it.

But it makes every interaction so very important.

Today my son called me stupid and told me he hates me. He thrashed and kicked and tried to bite me. It was really embarrassing, especially because friends were over. There is an unspoken expectation in moments like that. A certain response is expected. But I won’t let that pressure change what message I want to send to my son.

I pulled him into my room and sat with him through his anger. I told him I loved him. I’m not so concerned about his behavior as what lies beneath it and what’s driving it. I want to help get to the root of it. The only way to do that is through a strong connection.

There is also a very important message that I want to communicate, that I want him to know deep down and hold onto for all of his life. This is a golden opportunity to send this message to him.

I told him very clearly, right in his eyes,

“Even when you’re angry, and you call me stupid, it doesn’t change the way I feel about you. I love you no matter what – not for what you do but for who you are. My love doesn’t change and I will stay close to you. I am a safe place for you. Your anger is not too strong for me. We can get through it to the other side and feel better together.”

With a message like that it doesn’t take long for the anger to melt away and the healing tears to pour forth – the sadness that’s beneath the anger. And after that, we both feel better, more connected, stronger, full of love and ready to face the day.

Those are just my thoughts. Written quickly tonight before climbing into bed. How about you? What messages are you sending the children in your life? I’d love to hear.

Abrazos,

Leslie

by Leslie Freeman Leave a Comment

Ever Feel Like a Failure?

“Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.” – Winston Churchill


Ever feel like a failure? Ever have one of those days where you just blow it? Feel like you did everything wrong? Made so many mistakes?

I feel like that a lot. Many days pass where I think to myself, wow, I really screwed up today.

But you know what? I’m a firm believer in evaluating. I like to pause and think about situations that went poorly and consider how I could have handled myself differently.

I think that’s the way we grow. That’s how we change, little by little, and start to do things differently.

There’s no shame in that. In fact, it turns out we may never experience success without many, many failures.

Want to achieve success in your parenting? Than get ready to fail. Again and again. But continually persisting in spite of failure is what will make all the difference.

Not convinced? Here’s a few more quotes on failure:

There is no failure except in no longer trying. – Elbert Hubbard

All my successes have been built on my failures – Benjamin Disraeli

Failure is only the opportunity to begin again, only this time more wisely. – Henry Ford

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work – Thomas Edison

Hugs and Love,

Leslie

by Leslie Freeman 2 Comments

Not Because I Said So

I am so happy to share with you today the words of Jennifer Andersen who writes at Our Muddy Boots. Connecting with Jennifer has enriched and blessed my life. She is a mama who understands the heart of connection and I am so thankful for her voice.

Guest Post by Jennifer Andersen

When my son tells me that he needs another drink of water before he goes to bed, I happily get it for him. Not because I am afraid that he will not go to sleep without it, but because I understand that he is not yet ready.

When we are at the playground and it is a beautiful day and my children beg me to stay, I say yes. Whenever I can. Not because they are boss, but because it is a playground, and they are having fun, and they are children.

When I am tired and worn out and feeling lonely, I ask my children to entertain themselves. And they often do. Not because they are afraid of me but because they know how nice it feels to be heard.

When my husband travels and I wish he were home, my son asks me if I would like a nice cold glass of water. Not because his dad told him he must make me happy, but because he know how nice it feels to be taken care of.

When I have lost my patience, I apologize. And my children lovingly accept it. Not because they do not know what it means, but because they know that words have value.

There is reciprocity in every relationship. Only recently did I realize that we can determine what that looks like. I have committed to focusing on making this look considerate and loving with my children. This is what I choose.

How about you? What do you choose?

Jennifer Andersen created Our Muddy Boots as a way to share her experience of leaving the parenting mainstream.  After the birth of her first child, she quickly learned that her instincts should be trusted above all else and that there is no greater expert on her children.  She understood that her babies would tell her everything that they needed if she listened.  Jennifer is the stay-at-home mother of two wonderfully curious children ages 2 and 4.

by Leslie Freeman 19 Comments

Discipline from the Heart

Guest Post By Sarah MacLaughlin, Author of the Award-winning Amazon Bestselling book, What Not To Say: Tools for Talking with Young Children

I consider myself someone who does use discipline so when I saw a post online entitled, We Don’t Do Discipline, I was intrigued. The author’s suggestions are fantastic, but reading it I realized that “discipline” and “punishment” have become synonyms. This should not be the case.

Notice how I said I use discipline. When discipline is a noun, more of a quality the adult possesses and promotes, then we are on the right track. When discipline becomes a verb, as in, “I need to discipline my child,” we may be heading in the wrong direction. Discipline should be ongoing. It should start with self-discipline (on the part of the grown-up) and be integrated into everyday life. The root of the word discipline is “to teach” and that is certainly part of what I do as a parent. Below are a handful of guidelines that I tend to follow when I think about lovingly shaping my child’s behavior; you know, gentle discipline.

Accept a child where they are: Honor their impulses. Many childhood behaviors are confounding. Spitting, aggression, and rudeness are great examples. I am often asked, “Don’t I need to send a strong message about this?” You need to send a message, yes. But it need not be a harsh, controlling message. I am often triggered by an entitled tone in my child’s voice when he wants something. He frequently demands instead of asking—after all, he is four. I feel a very strong pull in myself to withdraw from my son when he does this. I find want to “teach him a lesson” in more of a punishing way. I have learned to resist this pull, and the pull to further control him by withholding that which he wants until he “can ask nicely.” Instead of increasing disconnection by doing this, I check myself, present him that which he desires, and then gently offer the teaching: “Sweetie, here is the milk you wanted. I like to be spoken to kindly. Next time can you ask me in a kind voice?” Usually, he says, “Okay Mommy.” If he doesn’t, it is a cue to me that he actually needs more connection, not less. Less never helps.

Click to continue…

by Leslie Freeman 1 Comment

I am the Child

I am the child who cannot talk. You often pity me, I see it in your eyes. You wonder how much I am aware of. I see that as well. I am aware of much … whether you are happy or sad or fearful, patient or impatient, full of love and desire, or if you are just doing your duty by me. I marvel at your frustration, knowing mine to be far greater, for I cannot express myself or my needs as you do.

You cannot conceive my isolation, so complete it is at times. I do not gift you with clever conversation, cute remarks to be laughed over and repeated. I do not give you answers to your everyday questions, responses over my well being, sharing my needs, or comments about the world about me. I do not give you rewards as defined by the world’s standards.. great strides in development that you can credit yourself; I do not give you understanding as you know it.

What I give you is so much more valuable… I give you instead opportunities. Opportunities to discover the depth of your character, not mine; the depth of your love, your commitment, your patience, your abilities; the opportunity to explore your spirit more deeply than you imagined possible. I drive you further than you would ever go on your own, working harder, seeking answers to your many questions with no answers. I am the child who cannot talk.

I am the child who cannot walk. The world seems to pass me by. You see the longing in my eyes to get out of this chair, to run and play like other children. There is much you take for granted. I want the toys on the shelf, I need to go to the bathroom, oh I’ve dropped my fork again. I am dependant on you in these ways. My gift to you is to make you more aware of your great fortune, your healthy back and legs, your ability to do for yourself. Sometimes people appear not to notice me; I always notice them. I feel not so much envy as desire, desire to stand upright, to put one foot in front of the other, to be independent. I give you awareness. I am the child who cannot walk.

I am the child who is mentally impaired. I don’t learn easily, if you judge me by the world’s measuring stick, what I do know is infinite joy in simple things. I am not burdened as you are with the strifes and conflicts of a more complicated life. My gift to you is to grant you the freedom to enjoy things as a child, to teach you how much your arms around me mean, to give you love. I give you the gift of simplicity. I am the child who is mentally
impaired.

I am the disabled child. I am your teacher. if you allow me, I will teach you what is really important in life. I will give you and teach you unconditional love. I gift you with my innocent trust, my dependency upon you. I teach you about how precious this life is and about not taking things for granted. I teach you about forgetting your own needs and desires and dreams. I teach you giving. Most of all I teach you hope and faith. I am the disabled child.

- Author Unknown

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