I’ve heard people say this before, “I may not be an expert on child development, but I am an expert on my own child.”
What do you think of this statement?
I’m going to be honest – to me it comes across as a little bit arrogant. To think that you know all there is to know about your child is saying a lot. It’s also a little bit close-minded. Because the second you’re the “expert” you no longer have anything to learn. You know the answers and you’re not open to other ideas or possibilities.
For example, last week I took Kai (8) out for a special “mommy” time. We just sat and ate pizza and talked. Guess what he talked about? He talked about his school he attended in 2009. He talked about how scared he felt when his teacher would grab him. He shared with me things I didn’t know were happening back then. He was only 6 at the time and was not able to communicate with me in as much detail as he is now. As his mom I should have paid attention to his behavior and his dislike of school to get a clue as to what was truly happening. But I didn’t. I assumed I knew best. I pushed him to go to school much longer than I should have. I was definitely not the expert in that situation, and that’s just one example. Maybe I’m speaking strongly about this because I don’t ever want to let something like that happen again.
So now I like to look at myself more as a student of my children. They’re so complex, aren’t they? I feel like everyday I learn something new about their personalities and characters. They constantly surprise and amaze me.
I would personally encourage moms to keep learning every day. And the second you feel you’ve arrived and you’re the expert on your child, be careful. You might really just be stuck in your current way of doing things. And you’re likely to be in danger of becoming defensive and close-minded to new information.
What do you think?
I’m a forever ‘student’ to my kiddos. It blesses them AND me to get to know their individual personalities and temperaments both the positive and challenging. I think as parents, it’s easy for us to forget that these little people really do have a mind and perspective of their own, that they’re not just extensions of us.
I’m currently learning and appreciating more about the ‘spirited’ nature my 2nd born. Through my study and appreciation of how he views and interacts with his world through this bent, I can really see our our relationship continues to blossom and grow.
It saddens me to observe other children with parents that appear either so indifferent (on a cell phone/not engaged at the park) or controlling (barking our ‘orders’ threats and profanity to get obedience) with their role in their interactions with their children. Though, seeing these displays serves to spur me on to find better solutions and approaches to work *with* my child.
I love this thought, Heidi! I love your emphasis on growing your relationship with your child through study, learning and appreciating who he is as a person. Understanding that he actually is a full human being, not half a person! yes, yes! I agree, too, that instead of judging other parents, we can take cues to find more positive solutions to challenging situations with our children. ~xo
I love this post Leslie. Sometimes I’ll sit down with one of my girls, one on one, and just really focus on listening to them. Listen to their heart, try and figure out what’s really going on with them. It’s always something different than I expected. I know I don’t do this enough, and I get “comfortable” with my kids. But each time I really try to hear them I’m so thankful. That’s one of my biggest things with homeschooling, I get my kids near me at their “best”, not just from 3:30-7:30 m-f. This time when they’re alert, and fresh, and happy fosters so much more opportunity to grow our relationship and get to know their little hearts.
I feel the same way, Lisa, that is such a good point and one of the huge, unexpected benefits of homeschooling. But you’re right, even with homeschooling, I also feel I don’t do it enough and I have to challenge myself in this area too, to really take the time to get to know my kids and not just be “comfortable” and assume that I know. It’s such a challenge, but when we do take the time, it makes such a huge difference!
Such a great point Les- I know my babes are young at just 19 mos but I feel like I barely know them and they seem to change and mold each day. I know I will be a student my whole life…
They change so much at this age – almost every day seems like something new is happening, it’s amazing!!!
Great point! We should absolutely be “students” of the people in our family. On the other hand, I read the phrase “expert of your child” as a “you know your child best” rather than a “you know everything there is to know about your child.” Most of the uses of “expert” have to do with how much more equipped you are to help your child contrasted with someone who has not had as many years of interaction with your child. But you are absolutely correct: We need to remember that we’re never going to “arrive” and that there is always more room for grace and learning.
~Luke
Hi Luke, thanks for the response. I do hear what you are saying and I definitely agree there are circumstances where we have to trust our instincts as parents – oftentimes even against the advise of experts!
I think the phrase, “You know your child better than anyone else,” is an encouraging thing to hear, but sometimes I think we say it too easily. Sometimes we need to stop and truly ask ourselves a few questions, like, how well do I really know my child? How much time do I spend with him? Do I truly listen to him? Do I understand what’s happening developmentally? Do I understand how he thinks, feels and processes new information? Could good research help guide me? Does someone have an outside opinion that might be valid? Am I open to considering another way? Is what I’m doing really best or could there be a better way?
Without taking time for real, solid introspection and some study there’s a strong human tendency to repeat what’s been done to us or what others around us are doing and call it our intuition, or “knowing” our child.
I actually wrote this post in response to a conversation I was having with a mom. She used this phrase to justify what she was doing and effectively shut down the conversation. Even though research and child development is showing that what she’s doing is not in the best interest of the child, she didn’t care to even consider it. She was the “expert” and so she was defensive and not open to or interested in new information.
But, I relate to her – because I’ve been there myself and made some big mistakes. And I share this because regret is a difficult feeling to have.