I recently saw this article, I’m a good mother, you’re a good mother. posted around on facebook and it of course caught my attention. Here’s how the article starts off:
Oh wait, you don’t breastfeed your baby? You don’t co-sleep with your baby? You don’t swaddle? You do swaddle? You do co-sleep with your baby?! You feed your child non-organic food? You feed your child meat? You have a nanny? You work? You’re a stay-at -home mother? Did you circumcise? You didn’t circumcise? Oh my goodness, no, you don’t…..you don’t vaccinate your children do you?
If you answered yes or no to even one of the above questions, then I’m sorry, but you clearly aren’t a good mother. Not as good as the mothers who either did or didn’t use one or all of the aforementioned parenting tools. You’re like, the Amber from ‘Teen Mom’ of mothers. Jeez. Why don’t you know how wrong your choices are?
Whew! Its exhausting just pretending to judge everyone else’s mothering abilities, I have to hand it to all the women who do it professionally. And by professionally, I mean, clog up their Facebook pages, their conversations, their websites, their blogs, with constant reminders of how much better what they do for their children is, than what you do.
Wow. Kind of intense right? But also kind of funny. She goes on to talk about how when she opens her facebook and sees links to things about vaccinations, it feels like a slap in the face. She ends with these words:
I don’t know about ya’ll, but I could reeeeaally use one less sleepless, staring bug-eyed at the ceiling, doubting my every decision night, compliments of a ” helpful” reminder about the irreversible trauma I’ve caused my son by…..[ fill in alarmist rant here.]
Dial it down, ladies, dial it down. If you’ve never had a moment of doubt, never thought you were the worst mother in the world, then continue on as you are. But, for those of us who do have doubts and guilt and worries, and I’m pretty sure we all do, then maybe we need to think the next time we offer another mother unsolicited advice. Is it reallyhelping her? Really preventing disaster? Or is it just slumping her shoulders a little further down?
My first thought after reading this article is, “Is that how I come across to other people – that by posting articles I’m slapping people in the face and making moms feel judged and bad about themselves?” (Yes, I’m insecure)
Goodness me! That is the last thing in the WORLD I want to be doing!
For me, this area of child development is my profession, so I’m really interested in it. Yes, I’m a mom and I apply information to my parenting, but I also work with at-risk kids.
With children-at-risk it is crucial to understand basic child development because then you can observe when it has gone off track and intervene. I love to learn more because it helps me in my work and with my own kids.
I do post a lot of articles. In fact, I “clog up” my facebook page and blog with articles related to parenting and child development! Is this perceived as me saying I’m better than other moms?
I don’t agree with every single word in every article I post. Usually if I post something it’s because I found it interesting, it made me think, or consider something different.
I like things like that, so I post it.
But I certainly don’t want to make anyone feel bad. But then I guess if people don’t like the things I post or are not interested they don’t have to “like” my facebook page or follow the blog, right?
And then I thought, since when are opinions and information a slap in the face? You can take it or leave it and make your own choices confidently.
There is one part of the article that really doesn’t sit well with me. It’s this:
Here’s the other thing, I can read. We all can. We all see the same news bulletins and essays and articles concerning pregnancy, childbirth, vaccinations, and child rearing. We do our research and make our informed decisions and thank you so much, but we don’t need to be reminded( day after day) that there are other schools of thought. We KNOW.
This is kind of a contradiction, because just before she says, “I’m a quaking jello mold of crippling guilt and uncertainty concerning my parenting skills.”
But here she says she’s read all the articles there are to read already and made an informed decision, and she doesn’t need any more information.
I’m confused – are you confident about your parenting choices or not confident?
If you’re confident than conflicting information or opinions shouldn’t make you feel so bad, because you can feel good about your choices no matter what others say.
If you’re not confident, then seeing extra information might actually be helpful (?) Reading widely from a range of perspectives, particularly paying attention to those with a strong background in child development might help you become more confident in your parenting choices.
Either way, I don’t think we need to feel threatened by people who parent differently than us.
3 of my kids are vaccinated, one is not (yet). They were all breastfed to different ages, the shortest 6 months and the longest 17 months. 1 son is circumcised, 3 are not. I don’t serve all organic, healthy foods, we eat at McDonalds sometimes.
Does that mean I can’t benefit from reading about extended breastfeeding, or the concerns with vaccinations, problems with our food industry or differing opinions about circumcision? I’m interested in learning more in these areas and others. I may actually make some changes. That would be a good thing.
The truth is, though, if I really don’t care what others think, someone could ask me why I’m being so defensive about this article? I think it’s because deep down I really don’t want to be misunderstood. I don’t want my articles to make people feel bad, or come across like I think I have it all together.
And the truth is, I don’t really know what exactly she’s referring to.
Perhaps there really are moms out there posting rude, mean, nasty things to other moms? I don’t really know.
Are you confident in your parenting choices?
The one thing this article did is cause me to ask myself the question, “Leslie, are you confident about your parenting choices?”
I think this is a good question.
I can honestly say that starting out on this parenting journey I was not confident at all. As I followed in the footsteps of those around me and how I was parented, I didn’t feel so great about myself. I had nights of feeling really bad about my interactions with my kids.
As I started studying more and following the path towards gentle discipline – it was hard at first. Is this really the right thing? It felt uncomfortable. I felt unsure.
But now that I’ve been at it for awhile, it feels really good. And I’m seeing positive results – not just in my kids, but also in myself.
My kids are wild and crazy. They are not always “well behaved.” They aren’t always cheerfully obedient. They are not the model children. Heck, I couldn’t even get a decent Christmas card photo this year because I couldn’t get them to sit still! People are often shocked by the noise and chaos level we have in our house.
But, somehow I feel really good about what I’m doing.
It’s hard. I have days when I BLOW IT. And feel like THE WORST MOM IN THE WORLD. Seriously.
But I have good days too. I have moments of success, and moments that take my breath away.
I think I would answer the question by saying, “I’m growing in my confidence day by day and learning new things each day helps me on my journey towards becoming the best parent I can be.”
I like to write about it and I like to share my thoughts and stories here. I hope you like it, too.
So now I’ll ask you – Are you confident in your parenting choices? Why or why not? Please share.
xo,
Leslie
Hi Leslie! God bless you with all you are doing with your own children and the children of Jaco! You have a big job and you need His strength and wisdom for sure! I found out about your website through our son, Matt, who visited you with WCA a year or so ago, My question is this: Several months ago now, I was on your website, (I think!) and you had a link to a video of a young Christian man teaching on brain development in children – I believe it was at a conference. I have some basic training in this area and found that link very interesting – I wanted to share it with a friend about my age who has grandchildren (a lot of the current child development information is new to our generation because the brain research is so recent) and I could not find the link again. Would you have any clues for me? I wish I could remember his name – he was a very good speaker. If you don’t have time to answer, no worries! I understand! Thank you! Ellen Wood
I think sharing information is fabulous. I post links on my own page, and follow others like the ones here all. the. time. They make me think about my own choices, provide new perspective, and even encourage (healthy) debate. My theory is, read it, and if you don’t like it, don’t use it. The problem I have is when folks move from offering genuine information (helpful) to reading/talking over each other. I have watched threads turn SO ugly on what are usually very respectful, peaceful blogs or message boards because people stop listening and just want to get their own view across. Or some Momma is desperately seeking advice, and they mock her choices or judge something that has already happened that she can’t change. Example: A blog dedicated to gentle parenting posted an article about the circumcision-related death of a newborn. Readers were actually posting “I told you so” comments . . . snarky, see that’s what you get kind of complete @#$%. No kidding. Sometimes it’s not as bad, but still annoying. Another example: Post a question, any question on a natural parenting site, and see how many responses you get that include stop vaccinating, see a chiropractor, and give up dairy. I kid you not, people don’t even read the question . . . they have something on their “agenda” and that is there pat answer for every dilemma. Heather is right . . . it’s ugly out there, and those who are truly sharing peaceful, reflective, honest advice in a helpful way should keep on doing it. (Although I would strongly encourage her to take her own advice and remove phrases like “breastfeeding police” from her vocabulary. Really?)
Wow, that’s crazy. I haven’t really been involved in conversations or threads like that online. That is truly shocking. and HURTFUL. I can’t even believe that.
I actually did experience on thing like that – a post that my husband wrote on our family blog about our son’s near death experience through drowning got posted on a major blog site. The comments on there were pretty hurtful, snarky, mean, too. And this is right when we were in the midst of dealing and healing through it. Kind of unbelievable – especially on a gentle parenting site!!!
Leslie, I wanted to thank you for your blog posts and your sharing. They make me think, and I like that.
Thanks for reading, Annie! Love having your voice here, too.
http://630andaglassofwine.bangordailynews.com/
This is my blog site….
I have to totaly agree with the last part. I was on edge of mainstream or gentle parenting in the beginning. I felt mainstream was just not right, especially after reading the the articles like the ones that “clog up the blog” I realized their is another way, and I was determined to figure out what that other way was. It took a while, but one day it just clicked. It does not always makes sense why the gentle thing works, when one is faced with “you do the crime, you do the time” (time out) which would make perfect sense, right?…but for me, time out does not work, and it kills me to enforce such a thing. After the day when it “clicked” and made total sense, I have become VERY confident in my parenting and just can not see how others do it mainstream, and sometimes makes me very sad. Being pretty confident with my choices, I am STILL always looking for gentle articles, and subjects that “look on the other side”. I find them very interesting.
Thanks Sammi – I agree, finding info and finding something that “clicks” definitely builds our confidence! When you’re doing something that feels right, resonates with your heart and values, it’s a lot easier to feel confident. And finding more articles and ideas just builds on that! I am so thankful too for those that share this information and write articles – it has been such a support to me in my parenting!
Hi Leslie,
I’m Heather Bogolyubova, the chick who wrote, ” I’m a Good Mother, You’re a Good Mother”. First, thank you for posting it. Your response is my great fear though! Let me explain. I write a blog for my local newspaper in Bangor, Maine. This post was my fourth, I think. While I meant every word I wrote, I was thinking of my friends and people that I knew or knew of and some specific situations that had occured. In a THOUSAND years, I never expected it to take off around the world( !!!) the way it has. It makes me cringe when I read responses like yours concerned that I am advocating not sharing information with one another. Please, please know that this is the complete opposite result that I am attempting to achieve, if I’m attempting to achieve any thing at all. However, I must tell you that you have been very, very lucky to never come across one of these mommy-bullies, but the fact that this blog post sent my pageviews to over 140,000 in just one month time, should be an indication that mother’s everywhere are really tired of it and it does exist in a big way. They are aggressive, single-minded and their purpose is most definitely to make mother’s who don’t make the same choices that they do, feel really bad. You, on the other hand, as evidenced by your thoughtful posts, are not this type of mommy. And I want to go on record as saying, if a thoughtful, reflective mother feels she has something to share with other mothers in the spirit of being helpful, then go for it! What I hope will diminish are the instances like the one I related in my post where a mother was too nervous to tell me openly that she formula fed her baby, as she knew that she would be quickly attacked by the breast feeding police. I hope that makes sense and makes you feel better about it.
Also, I want to clarify that while I am most certainly the quaking jello mold that I described myself to be, eventually a choice has to be made, right? You have to decide whether or not to circumcise or vaccinate etc… but that doesn’t mean, or at least it didn’t for me, that I am always 100% confident that I made the best decision, despite having informed myself about pros and cons etc… And the mommy bullies, who day after day, go on rants about how TERRIBLE the choice you did make is, can bolster that feeling of insecurity. So, yes, I am sometimes confident, and sometimes, lots of times, very uncertain. You and I are peas in a pod. Anxiety is my middle name. I hope you’ll find the time to read some of my other posts, we don’t always agree on the methods, but our hearts are definitely in the same place. Which was ultimately the point of my essay.
Best wishes!
Hi Heather,
I am so amazed that you came and commented on this! Thank you so much for engaging here and for your thoughtful words.
I think that you have a really good point when you say, “the fact that this blog post sent my pageviews to over 140,000 in just one month time, should be an indication that mother’s everywhere are really tired of it and it does exist in a big way.”
Wow, just wow. You really hit a nerve with people, and you are right, this must be something that is really bothering moms out there. That just makes me sad. It’s like the powerful exchange of information we find online turns ugly.
I do know the feeling of being confident and uncertain at the same time, you are right – that is very possible! We need helpful, kind, thoughtful advise, not ravings and rantings (though I did post one rant on here: http://realchilddevelopment.com/parenting/a-rant-about-spanking)
I would love to check out your blog and engage in some of your posts there, yes, we probably won’t agree on everything, but maybe we can have some good discussions, and learn something too. I love that.
Thanks again, Heather! Best wishes to you too!
“Perhaps there really are moms out there posting rude, mean, nasty things to other moms? I don’t really know.” Yes, there are. I’m sorry to say I have a relative who does that. It’s quite annoying. Especially since her oldest is a whopping 4.5 years old. She’s not “nasty,” per se, but definitely rude and condescending.
Thanks for posting this. I have a variety of choices in my parenting already and am fast learning that no one school of thought is going to work for all our various needs. I didn’t vaccinate the boys until after two years old, and only then because we decided to enroll them in school instead of homeschooling. But I am getting our new daughter vaccinated, because my husband is finally getting help for his heroin addiction and is exposed to a large variety of people and their germs every morning at the clinic. I don’t want her catching pneumonia or pertussis this young, a risk I wouldn’t worry about otherwise.
That’s a bummer, Pippi that your relative is doing that! I can imagine that would not feel nice at all. I agree no one school of thought is going to work. That’s one of the reasons I really appreciate all the wealth of information to be found online. Good for you making the choices that are right for your family!
Thank you for this. It is exactly how I felt when I read that article. I am in the process of shifting of parenting thoughts, to gentle parenting. I constantly repost articles that I find helpful, and interesting. I hate to think that others are taking it the wrong way.
That’s exactly how I feel – I certainly don’t want me posting things I find helpful to be taken the wrong way!!
Oh Leslie, I am so glad I came across your post via FB’s ‘Positive Parenting Toddlers and Beyond’ link! I am generally quite happy about the parenting choices I have decided upon, and yet, there is a part of me that has always ‘questioned’ the ‘result’ of this style of parenting – because I had always always assumed that gentle/attached/call it what you like parenting = well-behaved, well-balanced children that never went out of line or lost the plot! And so, because my two sons are very ‘normal’ almost 3 and 6 year olds, they still have their moments of development where screaming or tantruming or sulking etc. happens with alarming regularity, I go into moments of self-doubt whether what I have chosen is the ‘correct’ way! Other children who have been parented with, how shall I say it, ‘mainstream’ or ‘discipline-inclined (e.g. time-out not time-in.)’ methods, seem to have less of these unruly behaviour outbursts. And then I think, what am I doing wrong??! Then reading your last bit about your kids and yourself, that resonates deeply with me, because that’s the way I think we are too. We are only human, and we lose it sometimes, and we learn from it and grow and keep trying to be better parents/people. I guess what you say about how one feels one’s choices sit with oneself – that is the crux of it all… Thank you for a really uplifting post for me, Leslie
This might be taken the wrong way, but sometimes children who are parenting very mainstream can be more obedient – “one time obedience” etc., but I believe it is often out of fear, and will impede development. This way is more “messy!” But to me, it feels right.
Geez, this is a toughie. I feel as if I’m giving parenting the best shot I can, doing the best I can. If I make mistakes along the way (which I do-all the time) I can be confident in knowing I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. And I think that can be said for any mother, really, unless she is grossly negligent.
I totally agree with that – every mom is doing the best she can with the knowledge and information that she has!