It was a weekday morning and Ezra was getting ready for school. Part of his morning routine is eating a bowl of his favorite cereal with milk. This morning, though, we didn’t have any milk but we did have powdered milk.
A popular snack for children here in Costa Rica is powdered milk, dry in a cup eaten with a spoon. Weird, I know. So I took some of this powdered milk and mixed up some milk for Ezra’s cereal.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t paying close attention and I did not add enough powder. The milk tasted like water. I poured it into his cereal and he started to eat. He immediately noticed the difference. “This tastes like water!” he said.
I took some of the powder and just scooped it on top of the cereal and mixed it around. We were in a bit of a crisis situation because Ezra had the last of the cereal in his bowl. (Can you tell I needed to grocery shop!) He tried it again and it still didn’t taste right. He was so disappointed about his cereal he started sobbing and ran from the table to my room.
“You shouldn’t have done that!” he sobbed. This seemed like it was going to escalate. He was getting himself really worked up. I just sat listening to him through his sobs.
He explained to me that he didn’t like the milk the way I made it. “I know,” I said. ”I made a mistake. You’re right, Ez, that was a mistake.” He visibly calmed down when I said that.
Each statement he made I agreed with him. He was right, after all, I made a mistake and I can admit that!
The thing is, I don’t know why it made him that upset but most likely he was already feeling tense about going to school (or an argument with his brother, or something else) and this mishap just caused those emotions to spill over. It happens to all of us, doesn’t it!
Listen to what HandinHand Parenting has to say about crying:
”Children’s need to cry is as wholesome as their need for sleep; ejecting passionate feelings keeps their minds in good working order. …They’re not crying to embarrass or manipulate you, they’re crying to offload bad feelings so they can feel better again.”
“I understand, Ezzy.” He was calming down more and more as we talked.
Finally, to make himself very clear, he asked that we no longer call it “powdered milk” just “powdery.” He was expressing that he only wanted to eat the milk as a dry powder, not as a mixed milk.
“Sure,” I said.
“Well, we can call it powdery milk,” he conceded.
“O.k.”
And then, there was nothing more to talk about. He had been able to share everything that frustrated him and received a listening ear. And so the conversation naturally and smoothly shifted gears to another topic – who would drive him to school, mommy or daddy? Jude piped up with his opinion, “Not Mommy!”
“Jude,” I said, “Ezzy gets to decide who he wants to drive him to school. He has to be very brave to go to school each day and so he gets to pick who drives him. That’s his decision. When you go to school you will get to decide, too.” (Ezra is in a very challenging situation at school. He is attending a public, all Spanish Kindergarten).
“Yeah Jude,” Ezzy agreed. Then he explained further, “I don’t even want to go to school. I feel like running away and hiding somewhere.” He shrugged his shoulders, “But I’m just going.”
Wow.
I was amazed by the inner strength Ezra was demonstrating in that moment.
His face was so calm and serene as he finished putting his shoes on and buttoning his shirt. It’s amazing to think that just doing those simple actions of dressing for school required him to have enough strength inside to make a choice to do the right thing despite the fears he felt inside. He was literally overcoming his fears as he climbed into the car.
Listening to a child not only helps diffuse an emotionally charged situation, it gives a child inner strength!
As I dropped Ezzy off at the little school that morning I said, “Have a great day, Ez!”
“I will!” He replied.
“I love you!” I shouted from the driver’s seat as he walked towards his classroom.
He turned around and came back to the car. He stood up on his tip toes and peeked through the open window. “I love you too!” He said.
Thanks for the reminder. My son has to brave to go to school everyday, too. I frequently forget that as I see myself late for work instead of seeing the trouble he has working up the courage.
Wow. Love is present throughout your interaction with your son. Thank you, Leslie, for demonstrating being loving and compassionate for you, and Ezra. And, your words and love bring tears in my eyes….
great post, thank you for this. I don’t know what I do wrong when I try this approach with my kids but it always causes the screaming to get worse, especially with my uber sensitive 5 and a half year old son. I chalk it up to personality differences though. My hubby is the type of person that when he is mad or upset he wants to be alone and if you try to talk to him before he calms down it just makes it worse. He is the type that just goes quiet and doesn’t talk for awhile when he’s upset because he is lost in his own thoughts. I think our kids (especially our son) are that way as well. My 3 and a hlaf year old has told me in the middle of a tantrum she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore and she is going to her room, then she does haha.
Great tip.
I often get emotionally charged myself and the situation does not calm down and I’ve been at a loss recently on how to.
Your post has reminded me that I need to be calm to calm my own child