Jude (3) was playing with his friend Isabella (5). They came to me with angry faces fighting over a piece of rope. Jude had the rope in a death grip and Isi was grabbing for it.
“I had it first!”
“I had it first!”
“He’s not sharing!”
“She’s not sharing!”
Sound familiar? This is a common scenario among kids this age. I think in these situations sometimes as adults we want to solve the problem – and quickly at that. We don’t believe that these young children ages 3 and 5 are capable of solving this problem. We usually start somewhere saying, “Ok, who had it first?” And we start trying to solve the problem in that way.
What I am proposing here is before we jump in with a solution and problem solve for our children, let’s see if they are able to do it.
“O.k.,” I said. “Two kids each want the rope.” I looked at Isi. “Isi, you want the rope, right?” She calmed down as she looked at me and nodded. “Jude, you want the rope, too?” He nodded as well, visibly calming down. “So what can we do? Do you have any ideas?”
Now this is where as an adult if we suggest ideas we would probably suggest taking turns, possibly with a timer, sharing, and if they can’t share putting the rope in “time out.” These are all common ideas that are often taught to parents.
But what do children come up with? Sometimes if you can help create space for creative thinking, if they can move beyond the intensity of their feelings, they can come up with the most surprising things.
Well, in this situation, just by validating their feelings each one relaxed a little. Isi looked at Jude and as they looked at each other it was as if they both remembered that they are friends and they have fun when they play together. I could see something click in Isi’s imagination. This girl is a natural leader. “Jude! let’s pretend the rope is going to whip and we both have to do it.” Jude dropped his death grip on the rope and handed it to Isi. Her idea was good to him and he recognized she was going to lead out in a fun play for them both. He was ready to go along and follow her lead. “Yeah!” he said, and they both walked off already absorbed in their pretend play.
I totally smiled inside watching them. I never could have guessed how they would have solved that. Sometimes these kids absolutely amaze me with their creative problem-solving capacities.
What about you? Have you ever been amazed at how your children solve their problems in surprising ways?
I LOVE this Leslie…I am just starting to see my 21 mos old babes “fight” over toys and while they are still quite young, I am so quick to jump in and solve the problem (with all the methods you mentioned above!!). In the coming months, I will definitely plan to use this advice- giving them a little room to problem solve and see what they come up with!
You are so right on! I have found that if I let my kids solve their own problems they usually come up with great, creative solutions. Plus, aside from teaching them and letting them practice problem solving skills, it also teaching them empathy and compassion, realizing that other children get frustrated, etc, too.