Recently I posted an article, Do You Want Your Children to be Obedient or Have Good Judgment? and it stirred up a little bit of controversy. The minute I start sharing about some of the problems with using punishments in the discipline of children, the immediate question is, so what do you do????
The assumption is that if you do not spank or use time-outs you must be a permissive parent. I think in many people’s minds it’s either one or the other. I want to propose to you that there is another way. Not punitive, not permissive. Some terms I’ve heard are, “Gentle Parenting,” “Grace-Based Parenting,” or “Positive Parenting,” but I don’t think the label matters. I like to think of it as parenting from the heart.
Answering the question, “so what do you do?” is actually not that simple. Understanding this way of parenting requires an entire shift in the way we view children and parenting.
The biggest shift in this style of parenting is a shift in the way we view behaviors. Instead of trying to find ways to get our children to obey, we look at ways to meet their needs, understanding that meeting a child’s physical, emotional and spiritual needs will change their behavior. All behavior is a form of communication and so we become detectives, learning to decipher the underlying cause behind the behavior – what is our child trying to communicate to us? At the most basic level it may be, I’m tired, I’m hungry, I need some attention. Or it may be, I feel frustrated, I had a hard day and I don’t know how to tell you about it, I’m angry because things aren’t going my way and I don’t know how to handle these strong emotions. Once you’ve uncovered the reason for the behavior, you can meet that need and the behavior will disappear at a core level.
Another thing we have to recognize is that emotions are not bad behavior. There will be things that I don’t allow my children to do. But they are allowed, even expected at times, to feel sad or angry. And I will be there to help through those strong emotions. The limit won’t be moving – we won’t be having candy for breakfast, for example – but I will help him get through the strong feelings that follow. By being there as the anger and sadness pours out helps my children internalize that comforting and in time soothe themselves. This helps them learn how to regulate their emotions – not by stuffing them, not by being destructive, but by feeling them and knowing that it’s ok, we’ll get through it and in the end we’ll both feel better. The goal is to not break connection with my children by making them feel afraid or guilty for their feelings.
Like I said, it’s not a simple answer, but I have found this way of gentle parenting to feel so right. And through this process of parenting, I’m actually becoming a better person. In order to be the type of parent I need to be for my kids, I have to allow the Holy Spirit to reveal what’s going on underneath my own behaviors. When I lose my patience, feel I’m at the end of my rope or I can’t take it anymore, I have to ask myself what is really going on? I have to take this same view on myself and be open to the work the Lord wants to do in my own heart. It is a heart-wrenching process, but so worth it. The end result is a real feeling of closeness with my children. The trust, love and openness I feel with them is something I wouldn’t trade for the world.
Try it, you might be surprised!
Your children are SO blessed (as are you!)!!
I grew up in a dysfunctional home. No, there were no drunken fights, swearing, physical abuse, or any other =obvious= dysfunctions. In our house, Mom ruled. Dad did his best to give her whatever she wanted. Her opinion was the one that counted. I grew up living with perfectionism, judgementalism, and negativity. While all the right words were always said, I internalized that somehow I didn’t “measure up.” Mom’s love was always conditional– and I could never figure out the “conditions.” I didn’t get the kind or amount of love that I needed: I felt “unloved.” My child-like conclusion to my reality was that I was =unlovable.=
I was blessed to find that I am certainly not alone–there are millions of us–powerless over the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional family. If you see yourself in my words, I invite you to check out an awesome support fellowship at http://www.adultchildren.org. Click on the link “ACA Literature > The Problem” Notice that there is also “The Solution.” And there really is! Blessings to you!
I agree with everything you’ve said. last year my wife bought a book called loving your kids on purpose and it has transformed the way we parent our children. Our 17 year old daughter always tells us we’re patronising her, but she has changed dramatically, she now considers the consequences her actions will have not just on her, but on other people. It has been lovely to see her change in such a beautiful considerate way. My 6 year old son has also changed, if he makes a bad judgement he actually takes himself off for thinking time to consider what he has done before we can discuss it with him. It is a beautiful way to parent. Children should not grow up in fear but in confidence and security.
Wow! That sounds like a great book – I like the title. I like the point you make about how your daughter considers the way her actions will affect other people. That should really be our motivating factor in making choices about what we say and do, and I think that shows a depth of understanding and character. I think that relying on harsher forms of punishments leaves that understanding more shallow – the focus is on avoiding punishment, not internalizing how other people feel and how our actions affect others around us. What a difference! And it’s amazing when you’ve parented in the past relying on fear tactics and then make the switch over to this style – I know I have felt such a difference – in me, my kids, my whole family. Thanks for sharing your perspective!
I think you’ve done a fantastic job of answering that question, “What do you do?” As you say, the most important part is a shift, but not only in how we view behaviors, but in the entire way (some people) view the parent-child relationship. We are not here to boss the kids around, to make them obedient. And I think you’re spot on in identifying that most of what adults identify as misbehavior is really just the expression of an emotion.
At our school, we’ve found that we don’t even need to threaten “consequences.” The worst “punishment” (which gets used maybe 5 times a year) is that a child whose behavior repeatedly jeopardizes the safety of others, might be told, “You’ll have to play in a different place until you’re ready to come back here,” and then it’s totally up to that child to decide when he’s ready to come back. We’ve never had a child return to play before he was truly ready.
Disobedience is not an issue if obedience is not the goal. ~Daron Quinlan
It’s really interesting to hear that this way of relating with children can also work in a school environment and with larger groups of children. We have an after school program and run by the same philosophy. When I help train the staff, we always have to talk about this – because there’s always that desire within people to “lay down the law” and kick the kids out in order to teach them how to behave. We’re dealing with highly at-risk children, and I do my best to explain that our job is not to get them to obey. Once people make this shift and start pouring love and attention into the kids, paying attention and intervening when a child is getting upset, getting the kids involved in fun, exciting projects before they start fighting – all of a sudden there are no behaviors to “discipline” for. The only time I feel it is appropriate to ask a child to leave is if his behavior is such that he’s making it impossible for others to have fun. If all other attempts to get him/her involved in something are not working, then it’s only fair to everyone else if we ask him to leave. So far we have never had to do this.
Thanks for the comment – very interesting to hear how this works with different groups, settings and age-levels of children!